Q & A on Relationships

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I met a friend now over a year ago who is married. We met out one night in a club and ended up dancing and conversating and really just hanging out until the person I was seeing at the time showed up. At the time, my new friend expressed to me the reason he, being married was out and about without his wife. Basically (Yeah, Sunshine, “heard it all before”), among other things he claimed that things were not all that bad, but if they were all that good he would be home with her….. We did not initially exchange numbers, under the impression we would eventually run into each other again and hang out similar to what we did on the night we met. It was another 2 months before we saw each other again, but again, I was out with my significant other and he was with his boys so we did not have the opportunity to really even speak – for one, I was not sure if he was the same guy I had met two months ago, and two he didn’t want to cause any misunderstandings with my friend by speaking. The third time (the charm) I saw him again was in the place we initially met, now 6 months later. We saw each other, instantly remembered each other, exchanged numbers and started hanging out. Well what started out as a strictly platonic friendship has turned into something neither one of us was expecting.

We now travel together, he tells me no one has ever affected him like I have; no one has ever been to me who and what he is and I was married for 12 long, drawn out years; he is strong, but gentle; romantic; he cooks, cleans, and is the perfect end to a long day. We’ve experienced things together that apart, neither of us have ever seen nor done before. He is always the perfect gentleman and together our chemistry is off the charts, but at the end of the day he is still married. How do I do what is right when my heart is so far left?

Confused and In the wrong love, at the wrong time….

Dear Confused:

What you have is a huge mess!! Neither one of you had any business even exchanging numbers in the first place. Now that you have created this mess, it is time to clean it up. And now is the time to start.

First, I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Nothing or no one is by happenstance. It is up to us to sit still long enough to determine why that person is in our lives. When we move while on the cusp of our emotional being without clear direction, it makes a sticky situation worse and makes a worse situation seemingly impossible to maneuver. Now, it is going to take more than a notion to get back to the center of this and to see the real reason this person has crossed your path. You need to re-open your eyes. I know that will be difficult at best to do, now that your heart is leading the way.

Unfortunately, no matter what I say today, your heart is going to lead you down a path of its own. You are not Confused - you are going to do exactly what you want to do anyway… I know you have asked your girlfriends this very same question, what you need me to do is substantiate their responses. I am not; what I am going to say is this: when you get enough, you will move one way or the other. It is going to end bad for everyone involved, because everyone is going to lose in the end. What you think you will gain in hoping he leaves his home for you, will be replaced by his resentment the first sign of you turning into “her”. It is inevitable, while we are in the “honeymoon” phase, we are getting to know the other person and we still have our game face on; then, it’s ALL GOOD!!! As soon as the honeymoon is over, things begin to change and the real person finally shows up to dinner.

Unfortunately, society as a whole has changed. Marriage today is completely different from what it was even ten years ago. It is now okay or the “thing to do” to have extra-marital affairs; after all “it’s cheaper to keep her”. Even our own individual upbringing and backgrounds play an important role in what we deem as acceptable and tolerable in relationships. Doesn’t make the actions in this situation justified; it is what it is. In the meantime, emotionally you have created a train wreck and now it’s not just you and him, it is you, him, her and the rest of both families as this thing move toward the point of no return.

Harsh but real – unfortunately that is the end of my journey with you on this. Remember what is done in the dark always comes to light. Just be ready to deal with the consequences of that light. Keep me posted on the results, as I am curious as to how this will turn out.

“Ms. Vicky”