I know this communication will come as a surprise to many of you. I apologize beforehand for sending out a group letter like this. Believe me, it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate and rude. It’s just that the…chaos I’ve wrought in many of your lives has been so rampant that if I were to address each individually I would be writing for a mighty long time. Hell, I don’t even know if anyone is reading this at all. You probably saw my name attached on the outside of the envelope and burned it, thinking it was cursed. If that was the case, I truly understand. But if not, then…

I’m sorry for being an asshole, a mothafucka, a sonofabitch. At the time you were dealing with me, you could have been with someone else. Happy. Content. Instead you got me. I was a roller coaster without a set of tracks at the end of the ride. A crash was always inevitable no matter how exhilarating the thrill. Even when I tried to do the right thing, something always prevented me from doing so. You were all with me because you believed in me. Don’t ever think I didn’t hear you. You saw greatness, but apparently at the time that greatness never saw me. Or maybe I was just blind to what greatness was. When you exist in the dark for so long, even shadows seem like light.

Yeah…shadows. After dealing with real women, that’s what the trollops seemed like—shadows. Representations of tangible figures, but not quite the real thing. When you left me, that’s all I surrounded myself with and…I guess since I did that says something about me, huh? Maybe since I wasn’t shit, that’s the reason why I ended up being with people who weren’t shit? Makes sense. My daddy always told me “…birds of a feather flock together.” He also said “…sometimes a man has to look inside himself and be honest with himself.”

So that’s what I’m doing. Being honest. It’s a new thing for me so if I don’t get it right be sure to tell me. I mean, I thought I had been honest before, but I found out that being truthful and honest are different things. I strung some of you along. You asked if I wanted a relationship and I responded truthfully by saying yes. But if I had been honest I would have stated that, although I wanted a relationship, I didn’t want one with you. That you were just there until I found what I was looking for.

Being honest would have forced me to put all cards on the table and let you make the decision. Since I didn’t, you engaged in the Wait ‘Em Out game thinking, “Someday, he’ll change. Someday he’ll see how good a woman I am and want to be exclusively with me.” But I never did change, did I? And while you never caught me with anyone else, you could always sense my attention was elsewhere. In someone else’s arms, even if I was in yours at the moment. This went on for a long time until you finally figured out you were wasting your time and you stopped being around me.

I was such an asshole I never called to find out why. In my mind, if you allowed yourself to be strung along for so long it was your fault. Not mine. That’s how I justified things. I was such an emotional terrorist that I began to believe my own bullshit.

At times, I used sex as a means to hold you hostage. I knew your body because I always made sure to listen to it just in case I’d have to manipulate you later. Why would I do this? Because I was a bastard who knew one day you would get tired of my shit and I would have to find a way to keep you. If you still had hope for me…for us…I knew I could make you feel some emotional attachment if I turned you out. Stupid? Perhaps. Yet I wanted not only my cake and ice cream, but also the whole damn Baskin and Robins franchise.

Love was like a game to me, so when you told me you loved me I couldn’t wait to test its limits. Trooper you were, you performed every magic trick I requested, all the while you feeding the dancing monkey and playing the accordion at the same time. You even stayed for my dog and pony show. Truth be told, it wasn’t that good. Yet you smiled and told me it was, trying to make me feel like a man. And here I was all the time treating you like a bitch instead of the woman you deserved to be.

So here I am. Being as honest and sincere as I’ve ever been. Although it’s scary because I don’t have the layers of bullshit to hide under, I feel risking humiliation and rejection is the least I can do. I know each of you have moved on with your lives and probably have better people in it than I could ever hope to be, but I felt I could never move on with my life until I righted some of the wrongs of my past. Until I apologized to each of you. I hope you will accept it. To all the women I have wronged.

Sincerely yours,

D. Tyler Davis